Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
