My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize