she was so not down for the gang bang
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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