Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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