I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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