if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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