Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize