Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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