Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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