i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
