you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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