Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
