Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
