I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We need to rekindle our bromance
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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