alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So much Jack, so little girl.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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