new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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