I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
