i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
