During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
