So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
