I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
