my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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