I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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