Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
