she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
