if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize