whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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