I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
