things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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