she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
A bitchslap is in order.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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