I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Barsexuality is the new black.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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