How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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