I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
