Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
