Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
