the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
