I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
