Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
