rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
