didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
