oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
