In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
