My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
