TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
