peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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