Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
