Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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