Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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