I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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