This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
