We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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