I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
