Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
