I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
