I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
