Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
