Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
