Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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