you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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