now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i would punch a child for taco bell
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I came so hard my ears popped.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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