Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
