Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
