Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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